Thank goodness for shock. I can’t imagine all the sad, guilt-ridden, depressing feelings descending on me when Graham first died. Although I felt I should not be in shock, it was exactly what I needed to protect me from becoming a crumbling puddle of emotions. It protected me from fully realizing his death and all that it meant. It protected me from knowing he was never coming back. I was not ready to accept that fact.
Shock gave me the strength to go to work and take care of my house. I was also able to begin the upkeep of the yard, which was Graham’s responsibility. I found ways to find peace besides being grateful. We had a riding mower. I would enjoy the fresh air, sunshine, and beautiful yard while mowing each week.
This sounds as if I had an easy time getting through grief. Not so. However, after some time, I realized he was gone. This time was when I would want to ask him a question and notice he was not there. My grief journey was beginning. I was forced to go places to keep up the house and continue my life. Each time I visited a place without him, it would be painful.
As a counselor, I knew resources to lift my spirit as I navigated grief. I focused on being grateful. I love nature, so I focused on the beautiful flowers, trees, and bushes when walking or mowing. Graham and I walked daily at a nearby nature preserve. I was not ready to approach our special place where we spent time together. I knew it would be too distressing. But walking elsewhere or mowing allowed me to feel the peace of nature.
I had some difficulty being grateful at first. I had to remind myself with a sticky note to find things to be thankful for. I thought of the basic things, like food for myself and my dog. I am thankful for my car and a place to live. And I am grateful for the friends that I have left on this Earth. To this day, I continue to discover more things I can add to my thankful list.