Widow’s Insights The Onset of Grief, The Beginning

My wish is that reading about my experiences and the techniques I used to heal my grief may help you feel less alone and assist you in moving forward. I have faith that you will find ways to cope as I did while grieving and eventually find a path toward healing. Being gentle with yourself during this incredibly challenging time is essential. Give that compassion you have for others to yourself. The journey through the grieving process is profoundly personal, unique, and heart-wrenching. There are no definitive answers as to how to grieve, but we all want to get through it without experiencing too much pain. My desire is to share the things I learned while traveling through grief. I hope that it may help you navigate this difficult time. Take what aligns with your values and growth, and leave the rest. Not everyone has the same journey through grief.

To begin examining grief, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Your Grief will determine your natural way through it. It is expected that you feel you are not grieving the right way. You are. Your grief is normal. It is also likely to feel the pressure of keeping grief to ourselves. Our culture is uncomfortable with mourning. We may need to throw off the cultural bias against expressing our sorrow. It is easy to pretend we are not hurting because we are so accustomed to conforming to our emotionally limiting society. Unfortunately, in order to allow ourselves to go through the healing process, we have to experience the full range of our emotions. Grief will drag us kicking and screaming through feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, despair, and anguish. We have encountered a catastrophic change in our lives. I hope you won’t be pressured to put on a happy face because you must go out into society to attend an event. Even if people don’t expect you to cry. It is okay. Be true to yourself.

When death is sudden, we don’t notice our inner climate. We may be in shock. I became aware that shock prevented me from realizing that I was grieving. I was on autopilot. We may feel like a bystander at the funeral or memorial. if you experience shock, it will produce memory lapses. Don’t be surprised if you forget things that you expect to remember.  When experiencing the shock of the sudden death of a loved one, how can you not feel alone? No one talks about grief. But, it is reassuring to know that many of us encounter the same changes that happen after losing a loved one. it produces a connection between us knowing we felt the exact same thing.

Self-care is essential, too. Prioritizing our sleep is the first step. Consider going to bed and arising at the same time each day. Try taking a warm bath or shower before bed to relax. Turn off electronics thirty minutes before bedtime, and read something calming.  Eat healthy foods. Try to eliminate foods from boxes. In other words, phase out processed foods from your diet. Choose fruit instead of sugary treats. Refrain from heavy meals, alcoholic beverages, and caffeine late at night. Remove bright lights from clocks in the bedroom. All of these should help you sleep during this stressful time.

We need specific things at different times during the grieving process. At first, I needed someone to take my hand and walk me through those initial days. I was dazed. I knew my husband died but had not fully realized it. It was an overwhelming experience. Contact family or friends to help you during those first couple months. There is a list of tasks most widows are required to complete at the end of this blog.

I began to work on my gratefulness during those early days of grief. I made a grateful list of numerous things. I was thankful I had food to eat, clothes to wear, and clean water to drink. My list included money to buy dog food for my pet, afford a car and house, and have friends. My gratefulness extended to good books, music, indoor plumbing, Netflix, waking up seconds before the alarm, duct tape, good hair days, funny animal videos, chocolate, warm showers, positive feedback, and rainbows.  But most of all, I am grateful to be here, alive on Earth, now. During those early days, I was unsure that my gratitude included being alive and well. I missed my husband immensely and did not know if I wanted to continue without him. I was not suicidal but just thrown off balance by the shock of his death. However, I am grateful to be alive now.

It isn’t easy to make it through a day after your spouse passes, much less make the required immediate decisions. It is a time for close family members, friends, or trusted advisors to assist us. Here is a checklist of things that may need attention:

  • Request several death certificates. The funeral home may help here.
  • Locate your will.
  • Request legal, tax, and financial advice
  • Make funeral arrangements
  • Apply for Social Security death benefits and possibly your spouse’s retirement or survivor’s benefits. The funeral home may notify SS about his death.
  • Contact your spouse’s past and recent employers for insurance benefits and update them.
  • File a life insurance claim. Update bank or financial accounts or investment accounts. Bank accounts with the deceased name may be frozen.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help from trusted advisors.
  • Close accounts and cancel subscriptions in your spouse’s name.
  • Update your will and power of attorney.
  • Review your real estate holdings. You may need to transfer it to your name.
  • If you have a college-age child, they may qualify for more financial assistance.
  • Close or memorialize your spouse’s social media accounts. Close their email accounts.
  • If your spouse was your beneficiary on life insurance, retirement, and other accounts, you will want to make a new designation.
  • Don’t answer calls or click on texts or emails you don’t recognize. Fraud is everywhere.